12 Step Programs, What They Did For Me                                                                  (One Sex Addicts View)

                                                        By KevinS 

While they are not everyone's cup of tea, I am sober and happy today because of the help I got from the 12 step program of SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) http://www.slaafws.org.  The 12 step approach was started by BillW the founder of AA sixty years ago.  The 12 steps are the same regardless of whether it is alcohol, drugs, sex, food or something else you are addicted to.  The 12 steps of SLAA are: 

1)        We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behaviour - that our lives had become unmanageable. 

2)        Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3)        Made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

4)        Made a searching and fearless moral Inventory of ourselves.

5)        Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6)        Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7)        Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

8)        Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9)        Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10)      Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11)      Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a power greater than  

            ourselves,  praying only for knowledge of god's will for us and the power to carry that out.

12)      Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex 

            addicts and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives. 

The single most powerful aspect of the twelve step process for me, was the realization that I was not alone.  I had always felt I was different, strange, out of control, unworthy, useless, maybe even mentally unstable, but above all else I felt unique and alone.  Then suddenly within the 12 step family of SLAA I realized I was not alone, not different, indeed I was troubled like so many others.  If many of them, men, women, heterosexual, gay, could heal and feel whole again, then so could I. 

For me the serenity prayer, with which nearly all 12 step meetings end has become the basic philosophy for my new healthy life. The prayer is; 

God grant me the serenity,

to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

I can honestly say that I have now found that serenity.  It has taken me a long time to navigate my way through the 12 steps, but serenity, an inner personal peace, can be found.  Freedom from addiction, to sex, food, alcohol, anger, indeed any compulsive behaviour, that is what serenity is for me. 

12 step meetings of AA take place in just about every community in Australia, but many of these meetings don't welcome "other" addicts.  If you are a recovered drug addict it is almost seen as a badge of honour in society today, you are admired for your courage in correcting your errors.  The same is not true for sex addicts.  We are still pariahs to most.  A misunderstood disease, but an increasingly common one.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Special 12 step meetings for sex addicts are few and far between, but there are options available to all.  See http://www.slaa.org.au/index.html for a SLAA meeting that may be in your area.  And, SLAA have on-line meetings, which is where I did the great majority of my 12 step work.  More info can be found at http://www.slaaonline.org/. 

I identify strongly with a short poem by Portia Nelson

THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK

An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost …….. I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

 

Chapter 2

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in this same place.

But, it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

 

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in ….... it's a habit ... but my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.  I get out immediately.

 

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

 

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

 

My autobiography, like all addicts journey, is an interesting one.  It comprised much pain and suffering, but having learnt to walk down a different street, I have also learnt that I am ok.  I no longer feel a failure. I am not rich, famous, good looking or specially talented.  I have not written a great book, inspired a nation, changed the world, or raised a future national leader.  But I am healthy, happy and at peace with the world.  I have come to realize that I am not responsible for what I am, God made me what I am.  But I am responsible for what I do with what I am.  And I am doing ok.  God loves me, the people I look up to and love, love me.  And each morning I look forward to what today may bring. 

On this journey I have undertaken many many hours of counselling and exploring my inner being, discovering my inner child, authentic self etc.  I have been helped on this by several key professionals.  My wife and I have made use of a counsellor who specializes in helping couples.  All these people have played a vital role in my recovery, but the 12 step program and it's fellowship has been a key part of getting me to this point.  A journey from a self made hell to inner peace, to serenity.

KevinS lives a hour north of Brisbane and would be interested in hearing from people who feel that a support group, possibly using the 12 step program approach, would be of benefit to them.  If you are interested in such a support group, in Brisbane or two hours north, please email Kevin.

 

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